Tag Archives: family

1st July 2015

Mum died on 26th June and we have spent this week making the seemingly hundreds of arrangements. I will blog properly when I get my head together but wrote this today as i’m struggling.

Friends keep asking me how I am but the honest answer is I don’t know. Mum died last week and whilst I’m desperately trying to mourn her I’m having trouble finding her. The person we called mum for the last few years hasn’t really been mum at all. She has been a confused and frightened lady who  gradually declined to the point of not knowing who we were. She changed in mannerism, appearance and outlook. She had mood swings, phases of being angry followed by tears followed by just sleeping.
So I want to remember my ‘real mum’ the one that looked after and cared for me, the one I could phone for advice and support, the one who loved me unconditionally. But I can’t find her. At the moment the memories of the last few years are too vivid, the images from the last few days imprinted solidly on my mind. I hope in time these will fade and allow my real mum to come back but at the minute the answer to the question  ‘How are you’ is a bland one as I can’t explain I’m still looking for mum xx

JMH_2880 photo (53)

30th April Dementia Diaries update

Today has been a day of two halves. The first half was a wonderful couple of hours at a Special School talking about Kakuma Refugee camp with a group of delightful young people who are all keen to make a difference.

On the way home I called to see Mum. whilst I went to get a chair she said clearly ‘Who is that woman?’ I knew this day was coming, I knew she was deteriorating but even though you are prepared it still hurts. On returning to the room dad had his head bent and was crying. What do you do or say in these circumstances? Who do you comfort?

I’ve felt cold and shivery for the rest of the day but my wonderful family, as always, has been there for me, as have my friends. I don’t know what the future holds but I know mum won’t get better. Do we hope for a gradual decline to keep her with us for longer or hope for a release from her suffering? She spent the rest of the morning asleep and making noises – I made dad leave – there is only so long you can sit and cry. He isn’t well, he is suffering from grief and guilt – this is one hell of  a cruel disease.

decay 2 RZ