Mixed emotions

It’s a strange time at the minute and one where we are coping with a range of emotions. We interred mum’s ashes this morning and said our goodbyes once again. It felt very odd, a small wooden casket, two lots of workmen a council officer and  a funeral director. Mum’s final resting place is elegant marble and bedecked with beautiful flowers – it gives us somewhere to go to remember her.

I’m still struggling though and have spent the last few weeks in a bubble not knowing how I feel. Friends have been amazing and helped me ‘through’ but I still can’t seem to grasp that mum is finally gone. I’ve been reading ‘Elizabeth is missing’ and the daughter could have been modelled on me – I got cross, I rolled my eyes, I clenched my hands when mum asked me the same question for the umpteenth time. I’m not proud of myself, I should have been more patient but dementia is relentless and pushes you to breaking point so that you can no longer relax or let yourself be you for fear of what you might say.

There was some relief when mum died – she was no longer suffering but neither were we, dementia is an illness which alters the whole family not just the sufferer.

I’m trying to remember the things mum taught me and the fact that she made me what I am today. We always had to ‘remember our manners’, politeness and kindness were important. Family was everything and you were there for one another no matter what – mum saw me through miscarriages, divorces, the death of my eldest son, house moves, job changes – no matter what she was always there – if not in person at the end of the phone.

She is coming back to me slowly and I understand (with the help of wise friends)  I can’t force this – it will happen but it’s like I have two mums – the ‘real’ one and the person I called mum for the last few years. I’m coping, I’m taking photos and pottering! I found the remnants of  a poppy field today (thanks to my lovely husband) which seemed fitting – it was windy so the photos have an element of movement which, again feels ok!

RZ1 RZ2 RZ3

RZ4

RZ5

RZ6

The other emotion this weekend is joy! Complete joy as our gorgeous Tommy is one tomorrow. I know that all babies are special but he was sent for a reason. He has been my hope, my light and my saving grace this year. He is loved beyond words and so we will celebrate this weekend #TGFT (Thank goodness for Tommy)

Tommy 1  Where has that year gone?RZ1

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7 thoughts on “Mixed emotions”

  1. Stay strong and don’t ever feel guilty about the relief about your mum’s passing. She would never have wanted you to suffer. More to the point no-one is now suffering, just feeling grief, as you would be expected to be. We were very similar when my grandma had a stroke and then spent 6 years ‘existing’ rather than living. Our light moments came when we watched her grabbing for any man’s bottom as they passed. Saucy lady! Your mum is there. Remember her as you described her above – your rock and support in time of need. xxxx

    Enjoy Tommy’s birthday. Yorkshire Day is good day to have been born. x Happy Birthday, little man.

  2. Life is about balance. All that one door opening as another closes. I think your journey over the last year bears these things as true. Thinking of you dear friend xxx

  3. Take care my friend this is the beginning of a new chapter in your life one without your mum. It’s tough but keep writing you will look back and be amazed how strong you are and that’s down to your mum!

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